President McClellan
Abraham Lincoln is a hero of mine. He was able to unite people from diverse backgrounds into one – such as his cabinet of former enemies/rivals – and his success in uniting a divided nation. I admire him for all that he achieved, including saving the union and freeing the slaves. Today Lincoln is honored as having been our best president. But when he was in office he was hated. The South hated Lincoln because he was invading their country and killing them. And the North hated him because their sons were getting sent off to die in the bloodiest war in our nation’s history. And there was no end in sight to the war. Lincoln was never popular until he was assassinated. Then everyone felt bad for him. In fact, when Lincoln was running for re-election, he was predicted to lose in a landslide. George McClellan was a Union general who was so incompetent that he lost almost every battle in the most important, strategic region right near the U.S. capital. Lincoln fired McClellan. The Democrats nominated McClellan for president in 1864 on a platform to end the war by letting the South secede. So it was Lincoln vs. McClellan for president. And the incompetent, loser general was predicted to defeat Lincoln in a landslide.
Then William Tecumseh Sherman led his March to the Sea and Atlanta fell and Northern voters realized they would win the war. And Lincoln won his re-election. Slavery was abolished. And the union was re-unified. All because the attack on Atlanta was successful. But what if Sherman lost that battle? McClellan would have been elected. This story is what would have happened in that scenario.
Lincoln was voted out. His life’s work to free the slaves and save the union was all a waste. And the war cost a fortune in money and hundreds of thousands of lives. A human life is priceless. Now the blood of hundreds of thousands of Americans was on his hands. Lincoln went down in history as the worst president, not the best president. There was no Lincoln Memorial. Pennies and $5 bills did not have Lincoln on them. Lincoln was at best forgotten and at worst remembered as the worst president in history who aimlessly started a bloody, destructive war that nearly ruined his country. Poor Abe.
As soon as McClellan took office, he diplomatically recognized the South. The war was over. Everyone went home.
The North and South never reunited. Today, U.S. passports begin with Lincoln’s quote, “and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” But it did. It crumbled. The country split in two. Instead of having Lincoln – who was now the worst president in history – on the front page of the U.S. passport, it now said “United States of America. Not to be confused with the Confederate States of America.”
The South was now independent. This was exactly what the French and British needed. The Industrial Revolution thirsted for cotton. And as soon as the Civil War ended, the union naval blockade was lifted. The British traders came. And bought cotton. And bought more cotton. “Hey, I wonder if we can get better rates if we colonize the South?” Queen Victoria commented to Emperor Napoléon III. Soon the British navy was outside Richmond. The French had already occupied Mexico. Maximilian I sent in his forces to Texas. “Help!!” cried Jefferson Davis. He telegraphed his former alma mater, U.S. Military Academy at West Point, asking for military support.
“Sorry, brother, you got your own gig now. You wanted out. Don’t come crying to us now.”
At this time, the British had the best navy in the world and the French had the best army in the world. And the South was exhausted from the destruction of the Civil War. Not wanting another conflict, the Confederacy became a banana republic – a colony – of the British and French. Anything they wanted, the South gave. Rather give them money than have bloodshed. And, after all, the rich white Southerners were signing treaties giving away their cotton, but they weren’t losing anything. Because the slaves were doing the work. The British and French had abolished slavery on their mainland, so this was the lucrative offshore labor their textile industry needed to produce the cotton. The French and the British shared the South – their colony – like spheres of influence in China. Each occupied a specific region while still allowing local authorities to act with their European colonizers.
Then the Berlin Conference happened. While negotiating the Scramble for Africa, Bismarck burst out: “But what about the Confederate States of America?! We should establish rules for colonizing that territory too!”
President Davis sent a desperate telegraph to President McClellan. “Help! All of Europe is coming to exploit us! The U.S. issued the Monroe Doctrine. Now we need your help in enforcing it. I propose a joint declaration between the USA and the CSA. We will unite against a European invasion.”
U.S. Secretary of State John Quincy Adams replied, “I wrote the Monroe Declaration as a unilateral declaration, not a bilateral declaration. The Brits wanted in on it, but I said no. It gives more autonomy for our country to be able to make its own decision. Jeff, you left the union, so you left our protection. You made a decision, now live with it. Peace out!”
And the North built a wall along the Mason-Dixon Line. Once the French and British and Germans invade the South, well, just like Trump’s wall, they didn’t want people coming north into the United States.
Historians often say that slavery – and the resulting rich-poor gap – led to the fall of Rome when the Huns invaded. Likewise, slavery – and the resulting rich-poor gap – led to the fall of the Confederacy when the European powers invaded.
Napoléon III retook New Orleans and the Louisiana Purchase. “I am taking back what is rightfully mine,” he said in a French accent. And the Mexicans took back the Mexican Cession. “We may have lost the Mexican-American war, but this is round two!”
As the South fell apart and the British navy began unloading redcoats, there was a mass exodus of Southerners trying to flee the South and head north. “Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Jefferson Davis demanded.
“Hey, you wanted out. You made your decision, now live with it,” McClellan replied, and then sealed the gates, locked the doors and fortified the wall with infantry.
Slaves fled north, forming lines at the border. Slaves were granted refugee status and admitted to the North. They sought political asylum from a system that exploited human slavery. The Underground Railroad became a paved highway to Freedom, and many slaves fled north.
Chaos, war and destruction plagued the South, and it appeared the United States would never be reunited. “What a disaster, Mister President,” moaned Secretary of State John Quincy Adams. “The whole southern half of our country has fallen into crisis.”
“You don’t understand,” replied McClellan. “I’m a political genius. Wait until they’re at their weakest point. Then call Jeff Davis. He’ll come crying back to the Union. And we haven’t lost a single drop of Northern blood during my administration.”
“That’ll never work.”
McClellan picked up the phone and dialed Davis’s cell phone.
“Hello Jeff, this is –”
“We’re in. We agree. Just get that ratified through Congress ASAP so we can be readmitted before this debacle gets worse.”
“And you’ll – ”
“Yes, we’ll abolish slavery. You Yankees win. Just get us out of this quagmire! S.O.S.!”
And the Civil War ended. John Quincy Adams re-issued his Monroe Doctrine, this time called the McClellan Doctrine.
“I do all the work. When will I ever get one of my doctrines named after me?” Adams moaned.
McClellan turned to Adams. “Dude, you’re a Federalist. Be lucky I haven’t fired you yet,” the Democrat barked.
And Germany, France and Britain were kicked out of the South. It is amazing what can be achieved when different people from different backgrounds come together. The North and South, uniting together to combine forces, repelled European intervention in the Western Hemisphere.
The U.S. was reunited. The wall along the Mason-Dixon Line was ceremonially taken down like the Berlin Wall.
And the American coins were printed with e pluribus unum: from many one.
Abraham Lincoln is a hero of mine. He was able to unite people from diverse backgrounds into one – such as his cabinet of former enemies/rivals – and his success in uniting a divided nation. I admire him for all that he achieved, including saving the union and freeing the slaves. Today Lincoln is honored as having been our best president. But when he was in office he was hated. The South hated Lincoln because he was invading their country and killing them. And the North hated him because their sons were getting sent off to die in the bloodiest war in our nation’s history. And there was no end in sight to the war. Lincoln was never popular until he was assassinated. Then everyone felt bad for him. In fact, when Lincoln was running for re-election, he was predicted to lose in a landslide. George McClellan was a Union general who was so incompetent that he lost almost every battle in the most important, strategic region right near the U.S. capital. Lincoln fired McClellan. The Democrats nominated McClellan for president in 1864 on a platform to end the war by letting the South secede. So it was Lincoln vs. McClellan for president. And the incompetent, loser general was predicted to defeat Lincoln in a landslide.
Then William Tecumseh Sherman led his March to the Sea and Atlanta fell and Northern voters realized they would win the war. And Lincoln won his re-election. Slavery was abolished. And the union was re-unified. All because the attack on Atlanta was successful. But what if Sherman lost that battle? McClellan would have been elected. This story is what would have happened in that scenario.
Lincoln was voted out. His life’s work to free the slaves and save the union was all a waste. And the war cost a fortune in money and hundreds of thousands of lives. A human life is priceless. Now the blood of hundreds of thousands of Americans was on his hands. Lincoln went down in history as the worst president, not the best president. There was no Lincoln Memorial. Pennies and $5 bills did not have Lincoln on them. Lincoln was at best forgotten and at worst remembered as the worst president in history who aimlessly started a bloody, destructive war that nearly ruined his country. Poor Abe.
As soon as McClellan took office, he diplomatically recognized the South. The war was over. Everyone went home.
The North and South never reunited. Today, U.S. passports begin with Lincoln’s quote, “and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” But it did. It crumbled. The country split in two. Instead of having Lincoln – who was now the worst president in history – on the front page of the U.S. passport, it now said “United States of America. Not to be confused with the Confederate States of America.”
The South was now independent. This was exactly what the French and British needed. The Industrial Revolution thirsted for cotton. And as soon as the Civil War ended, the union naval blockade was lifted. The British traders came. And bought cotton. And bought more cotton. “Hey, I wonder if we can get better rates if we colonize the South?” Queen Victoria commented to Emperor Napoléon III. Soon the British navy was outside Richmond. The French had already occupied Mexico. Maximilian I sent in his forces to Texas. “Help!!” cried Jefferson Davis. He telegraphed his former alma mater, U.S. Military Academy at West Point, asking for military support.
“Sorry, brother, you got your own gig now. You wanted out. Don’t come crying to us now.”
At this time, the British had the best navy in the world and the French had the best army in the world. And the South was exhausted from the destruction of the Civil War. Not wanting another conflict, the Confederacy became a banana republic – a colony – of the British and French. Anything they wanted, the South gave. Rather give them money than have bloodshed. And, after all, the rich white Southerners were signing treaties giving away their cotton, but they weren’t losing anything. Because the slaves were doing the work. The British and French had abolished slavery on their mainland, so this was the lucrative offshore labor their textile industry needed to produce the cotton. The French and the British shared the South – their colony – like spheres of influence in China. Each occupied a specific region while still allowing local authorities to act with their European colonizers.
Then the Berlin Conference happened. While negotiating the Scramble for Africa, Bismarck burst out: “But what about the Confederate States of America?! We should establish rules for colonizing that territory too!”
President Davis sent a desperate telegraph to President McClellan. “Help! All of Europe is coming to exploit us! The U.S. issued the Monroe Doctrine. Now we need your help in enforcing it. I propose a joint declaration between the USA and the CSA. We will unite against a European invasion.”
U.S. Secretary of State John Quincy Adams replied, “I wrote the Monroe Declaration as a unilateral declaration, not a bilateral declaration. The Brits wanted in on it, but I said no. It gives more autonomy for our country to be able to make its own decision. Jeff, you left the union, so you left our protection. You made a decision, now live with it. Peace out!”
And the North built a wall along the Mason-Dixon Line. Once the French and British and Germans invade the South, well, just like Trump’s wall, they didn’t want people coming north into the United States.
Historians often say that slavery – and the resulting rich-poor gap – led to the fall of Rome when the Huns invaded. Likewise, slavery – and the resulting rich-poor gap – led to the fall of the Confederacy when the European powers invaded.
Napoléon III retook New Orleans and the Louisiana Purchase. “I am taking back what is rightfully mine,” he said in a French accent. And the Mexicans took back the Mexican Cession. “We may have lost the Mexican-American war, but this is round two!”
As the South fell apart and the British navy began unloading redcoats, there was a mass exodus of Southerners trying to flee the South and head north. “Mister Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Jefferson Davis demanded.
“Hey, you wanted out. You made your decision, now live with it,” McClellan replied, and then sealed the gates, locked the doors and fortified the wall with infantry.
Slaves fled north, forming lines at the border. Slaves were granted refugee status and admitted to the North. They sought political asylum from a system that exploited human slavery. The Underground Railroad became a paved highway to Freedom, and many slaves fled north.
Chaos, war and destruction plagued the South, and it appeared the United States would never be reunited. “What a disaster, Mister President,” moaned Secretary of State John Quincy Adams. “The whole southern half of our country has fallen into crisis.”
“You don’t understand,” replied McClellan. “I’m a political genius. Wait until they’re at their weakest point. Then call Jeff Davis. He’ll come crying back to the Union. And we haven’t lost a single drop of Northern blood during my administration.”
“That’ll never work.”
McClellan picked up the phone and dialed Davis’s cell phone.
“Hello Jeff, this is –”
“We’re in. We agree. Just get that ratified through Congress ASAP so we can be readmitted before this debacle gets worse.”
“And you’ll – ”
“Yes, we’ll abolish slavery. You Yankees win. Just get us out of this quagmire! S.O.S.!”
And the Civil War ended. John Quincy Adams re-issued his Monroe Doctrine, this time called the McClellan Doctrine.
“I do all the work. When will I ever get one of my doctrines named after me?” Adams moaned.
McClellan turned to Adams. “Dude, you’re a Federalist. Be lucky I haven’t fired you yet,” the Democrat barked.
And Germany, France and Britain were kicked out of the South. It is amazing what can be achieved when different people from different backgrounds come together. The North and South, uniting together to combine forces, repelled European intervention in the Western Hemisphere.
The U.S. was reunited. The wall along the Mason-Dixon Line was ceremonially taken down like the Berlin Wall.
And the American coins were printed with e pluribus unum: from many one.
